Ugh.
I ate mindlessly this week - foods that I don't particularly love, at times that I wasn't hungry, while I was alone.
This is not my plan.
By being loosey goosey with Weight Watchers, I am trying to get the emphasis off of weight loss and strict counting. For a couple of months, that worked. I lost some weight, maintained it, and it didn't seem too hard. But in order for this to work, I have to eat real food, in reasonable quantities, with occasional treats.
That's not what I have been doing lately. I am back to ordering two lunches, two dinners, for myself. For no good reason. I don't even enjoy the food!!
Today is the first time that I really did not want to post. I have gained weight, but more importantly I am drifting in bad habits and mindlessness. I guess for the first time I am also realizing the purpose of writing a blog that no one reads - writing this out forces me to think about why and how I stopped thinking. Are there foods that I want to eat? Can I just incorporate them into a mindful diet?
Let's see how this goes. My goal this week is to eat purposely - not in a zombie daze. If I can do it, great... if not, I looked up WW meetings in my area. I may need more structure.
sigh.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Stagnant
I can't seem to get myself going - at work, at the gym, in the kitchen. After a good run this summer (I was so productive, eating healthy), I am just kind of skidding through the past couple of weeks.
The good news is that the marathon training continues. The long runs are getting long - I mean really long. And this past Sunday I had my first "walk to the finish" because I just couldn't get myself to jog the final half mile or so. But the important thing is that I got the mileage in. That is my most important goal.
But I have to admit, everything else is just stagnating. Pilates, other classes aren't happening as much. I even have trouble getting myself into the gym some mornings. Things are only going to get harder once the semester starts again.
I have been very happy with how I look. I was thinking about how lucky I am to have a wonderful husband and a healthy body... and good clothes. Why am I continuing to try to lose weight?? But the unhappy answer to that question is that if I am not trying to lose weight, I am actually slowly gaining weight. It is a sad statement on where I am with food that I cannot maintain - it is a constant struggle for me to NOT eat in a completely insane way. Everyday, I want to pack away two or three normal-sized lunches, by myself, before dinner. I have to fight to eat one normal lunch, let alone a healthy, low-calorie lunch.
So that is the struggle. Forget a low calorie sandwich-and-a-fruit lunch - I am just trying to eat one COSI sandwich rather than the whole menu at one time. Most of the time I win this fight. Sometimes I lose.
Hence, stagnation!
The good news is that the marathon training continues. The long runs are getting long - I mean really long. And this past Sunday I had my first "walk to the finish" because I just couldn't get myself to jog the final half mile or so. But the important thing is that I got the mileage in. That is my most important goal.
But I have to admit, everything else is just stagnating. Pilates, other classes aren't happening as much. I even have trouble getting myself into the gym some mornings. Things are only going to get harder once the semester starts again.
I have been very happy with how I look. I was thinking about how lucky I am to have a wonderful husband and a healthy body... and good clothes. Why am I continuing to try to lose weight?? But the unhappy answer to that question is that if I am not trying to lose weight, I am actually slowly gaining weight. It is a sad statement on where I am with food that I cannot maintain - it is a constant struggle for me to NOT eat in a completely insane way. Everyday, I want to pack away two or three normal-sized lunches, by myself, before dinner. I have to fight to eat one normal lunch, let alone a healthy, low-calorie lunch.
So that is the struggle. Forget a low calorie sandwich-and-a-fruit lunch - I am just trying to eat one COSI sandwich rather than the whole menu at one time. Most of the time I win this fight. Sometimes I lose.
Hence, stagnation!
Monday, August 9, 2010
pizza
Actually, this post is about a 20k race that we ran this weekend. The pizza came after...
We decided to run a race for this training run - the schedule said "12 miles" for this weekend, and there was a 20k (12.4 miles) about an hour away. Running in a race is fabulous - there are water stops, other runners and it makes it feel like you are doing something right now rather than in advance of the marathon.
The downside of running in the this kind of race is my urge not to lope in the back. The difference between running 11 minute miles and 12 minute miles in a smallish race is pretty big. With the former, you are running with others, albeit just a few others. With the slower pace, you are running alone, trying to get to the finish line where the other 1,000 people are stretching.
So I ran the 11 minute miles, which felt ok until about mile 10. I guess this makes sense, since last week's endurance run was... 10 miles. At 10 miles, you are close but not home to the finish line of a 20k. I don't think I can train for an 11 minute mile marathon.
Anyway, all of this is to say that it was a great race. We both finished strong, and now have a couple of days off before we start dreading the next 14 mile training run.
And for dinner, we went out for pizza. We split a 12-inch, and I was pouring on the parm. Have I mentioned that I love cheese?
We decided to run a race for this training run - the schedule said "12 miles" for this weekend, and there was a 20k (12.4 miles) about an hour away. Running in a race is fabulous - there are water stops, other runners and it makes it feel like you are doing something right now rather than in advance of the marathon.
The downside of running in the this kind of race is my urge not to lope in the back. The difference between running 11 minute miles and 12 minute miles in a smallish race is pretty big. With the former, you are running with others, albeit just a few others. With the slower pace, you are running alone, trying to get to the finish line where the other 1,000 people are stretching.
So I ran the 11 minute miles, which felt ok until about mile 10. I guess this makes sense, since last week's endurance run was... 10 miles. At 10 miles, you are close but not home to the finish line of a 20k. I don't think I can train for an 11 minute mile marathon.
Anyway, all of this is to say that it was a great race. We both finished strong, and now have a couple of days off before we start dreading the next 14 mile training run.
And for dinner, we went out for pizza. We split a 12-inch, and I was pouring on the parm. Have I mentioned that I love cheese?
Monday, August 2, 2010
Working
Ach. Too many days where I am eating on a mission.
My weeks have been very busy, work wise. And I have reverted to bad habits: on the days when I know I must be very productive, I buy whatever food I want in large quantities to "help" me get through. It's a strange reward/palliative to get done what I need to get done. On the plus side, I got it done. But I reconfirmed terrible habits and derailed some of my progress.
I am also training for the marathon. I have very mixed feelings about this, since I truly dislike running. Yesterday's 10 miles was ok - the run itself went well, I went nice and slow and listened to the iPod. But it also reminded me how much more I have left, what kind of mileage is necessary to get to the marathon in good enough shape.
Eh, so I am ambivalent. But I am writing. I will keep writing, keep trying.
My weeks have been very busy, work wise. And I have reverted to bad habits: on the days when I know I must be very productive, I buy whatever food I want in large quantities to "help" me get through. It's a strange reward/palliative to get done what I need to get done. On the plus side, I got it done. But I reconfirmed terrible habits and derailed some of my progress.
I am also training for the marathon. I have very mixed feelings about this, since I truly dislike running. Yesterday's 10 miles was ok - the run itself went well, I went nice and slow and listened to the iPod. But it also reminded me how much more I have left, what kind of mileage is necessary to get to the marathon in good enough shape.
Eh, so I am ambivalent. But I am writing. I will keep writing, keep trying.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Mind-full eating
I have been reading a lot about conscious eating, paying attention to what you put into your mouth. Knowing where it comes from, what is processed, putting effort into preparation, and then finally enjoying - in real time - the payoff that comes from good, natural, healthy food.
Along with such enlightened thinking comes the corollary about unhealthy, processed food: enjoy it mindfully and rarely. Sure, you can have pizza - just not too often and you should SAVOR it and appreciate the lifestyle that "allows" pizza in reasonable doses.
All of this makes sense to me, but it ignores what I really want when I am on a tear; what I am looking for psychologically as well as physically.
Here is the truth: I love mindless eating. It is my favorite type of eating. When you have lots of melted cheese and garlic, and know that there is another meal to be eaten whenever whatever. While watching TV or reading a magazine. Or doing both at the same time. The full bowl so my hand doesnt have to search for whatever is in there while I am typing an email.
When I hear that I need to incorporate foods that I love into my healthy lifestyle (from my husband, for example), I don't bother trying to explain that I don't really want to eat two slices of pizza. Who cares about pizza - I KNOW that it's not so yummy. Why bother explaining that I crave carrying a box with a whole pizza pie into the kitchen, setting up the computer, watching Law and Order, and eating whatever I want. Sometimes the whole pie, sometimes 2 slices, it doesn't matter... I want to mindlessly buy and consume large quantities of food - "whatever" food, not gourmet food.
I believe this will be my demon. I can get into the foodie lifestyle - hell, we went to TWO farmers markets this weekend, and bought up a storm. But my impulse to indulge doesn't follow foodie mores - slowly enjoying some decadent pastry to fulfill some need... No, my impulse to indulge is to ignore the food that I am eating while eating lots of it.
In my head, when I am exasperated with steaming some exotic zucchini with fresh garlic, I think "I just want to eat like a human being." What I mean by that is, ORDER something fabulous, in portions for four, and eat until I am done with TV for the night.
I know that is not how human beings eat, but it's how I like to eat. This will be my demon to exorcise.
Along with such enlightened thinking comes the corollary about unhealthy, processed food: enjoy it mindfully and rarely. Sure, you can have pizza - just not too often and you should SAVOR it and appreciate the lifestyle that "allows" pizza in reasonable doses.
All of this makes sense to me, but it ignores what I really want when I am on a tear; what I am looking for psychologically as well as physically.
Here is the truth: I love mindless eating. It is my favorite type of eating. When you have lots of melted cheese and garlic, and know that there is another meal to be eaten whenever whatever. While watching TV or reading a magazine. Or doing both at the same time. The full bowl so my hand doesnt have to search for whatever is in there while I am typing an email.
When I hear that I need to incorporate foods that I love into my healthy lifestyle (from my husband, for example), I don't bother trying to explain that I don't really want to eat two slices of pizza. Who cares about pizza - I KNOW that it's not so yummy. Why bother explaining that I crave carrying a box with a whole pizza pie into the kitchen, setting up the computer, watching Law and Order, and eating whatever I want. Sometimes the whole pie, sometimes 2 slices, it doesn't matter... I want to mindlessly buy and consume large quantities of food - "whatever" food, not gourmet food.
I believe this will be my demon. I can get into the foodie lifestyle - hell, we went to TWO farmers markets this weekend, and bought up a storm. But my impulse to indulge doesn't follow foodie mores - slowly enjoying some decadent pastry to fulfill some need... No, my impulse to indulge is to ignore the food that I am eating while eating lots of it.
In my head, when I am exasperated with steaming some exotic zucchini with fresh garlic, I think "I just want to eat like a human being." What I mean by that is, ORDER something fabulous, in portions for four, and eat until I am done with TV for the night.
I know that is not how human beings eat, but it's how I like to eat. This will be my demon to exorcise.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
On Brie
I do not want to make this blog into a "how did I binge this week" chronicle... but yesterday. Oy.
I had to stay home in order to get the internet set up, the bookshelves delivered etc. By 10am, it was clear that my healthy lifestyle eating that I have been practicing is 90% a function of the lack of food options at the office, now that I was home, it was over.
Some of my behaviors are so perverse. I like to eat when no one is around. I don't like to leave evidence. It's bizarre. I went out to buy more blueberries and a block of brie, to binge on both (what??) - and then threw out the packaging in a separate container so my husband wouldn't see. Yeesh.
My binges are deliberate, and feel inevitable. The question is: with time and a new attitude towards dieting/life-eating, will these go away? Will they become less frequent? Should I avoid being home alone in order to make this a non-issue?
I had to stay home in order to get the internet set up, the bookshelves delivered etc. By 10am, it was clear that my healthy lifestyle eating that I have been practicing is 90% a function of the lack of food options at the office, now that I was home, it was over.
Some of my behaviors are so perverse. I like to eat when no one is around. I don't like to leave evidence. It's bizarre. I went out to buy more blueberries and a block of brie, to binge on both (what??) - and then threw out the packaging in a separate container so my husband wouldn't see. Yeesh.
My binges are deliberate, and feel inevitable. The question is: with time and a new attitude towards dieting/life-eating, will these go away? Will they become less frequent? Should I avoid being home alone in order to make this a non-issue?
Monday, July 5, 2010
First Home Cooked Meal
We moved this week (and I missed posting last week). Actually, I should say that we are in the process of moving because the apartment is FULL of unpacked boxes.
Moving is always exciting and unsettling. And it effects the body - I feel exhausted by the end of the day, and famished in the afternoons. During our transition, my husband and I threw healthy eating out the window. We were staying at my parents for a few days and I somehow reverted to my teenage self, eating gobs of cheese and crackers when everyone else was sleeping and enjoying copious leftovers. We were relieved to get into our new place and get back to business.
Last night the kitchen was set up enough to cook. A stir fry without soy sauce, brown rice without spices etc, so it wasn't the best. But it was nice to finally cook in the new place, make it feel like home instead of a disaster area. My husband and I - spending every waking hour with each other since we moved out to get our lives in order - ate and then watched an old movie on the computer. It was the best night we've had in our new city.
Moving is always exciting and unsettling. And it effects the body - I feel exhausted by the end of the day, and famished in the afternoons. During our transition, my husband and I threw healthy eating out the window. We were staying at my parents for a few days and I somehow reverted to my teenage self, eating gobs of cheese and crackers when everyone else was sleeping and enjoying copious leftovers. We were relieved to get into our new place and get back to business.
Last night the kitchen was set up enough to cook. A stir fry without soy sauce, brown rice without spices etc, so it wasn't the best. But it was nice to finally cook in the new place, make it feel like home instead of a disaster area. My husband and I - spending every waking hour with each other since we moved out to get our lives in order - ate and then watched an old movie on the computer. It was the best night we've had in our new city.
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