I have been reading a lot about conscious eating, paying attention to what you put into your mouth. Knowing where it comes from, what is processed, putting effort into preparation, and then finally enjoying - in real time - the payoff that comes from good, natural, healthy food.
Along with such enlightened thinking comes the corollary about unhealthy, processed food: enjoy it mindfully and rarely. Sure, you can have pizza - just not too often and you should SAVOR it and appreciate the lifestyle that "allows" pizza in reasonable doses.
All of this makes sense to me, but it ignores what I really want when I am on a tear; what I am looking for psychologically as well as physically.
Here is the truth: I love mindless eating. It is my favorite type of eating. When you have lots of melted cheese and garlic, and know that there is another meal to be eaten whenever whatever. While watching TV or reading a magazine. Or doing both at the same time. The full bowl so my hand doesnt have to search for whatever is in there while I am typing an email.
When I hear that I need to incorporate foods that I love into my healthy lifestyle (from my husband, for example), I don't bother trying to explain that I don't really want to eat two slices of pizza. Who cares about pizza - I KNOW that it's not so yummy. Why bother explaining that I crave carrying a box with a whole pizza pie into the kitchen, setting up the computer, watching Law and Order, and eating whatever I want. Sometimes the whole pie, sometimes 2 slices, it doesn't matter... I want to mindlessly buy and consume large quantities of food - "whatever" food, not gourmet food.
I believe this will be my demon. I can get into the foodie lifestyle - hell, we went to TWO farmers markets this weekend, and bought up a storm. But my impulse to indulge doesn't follow foodie mores - slowly enjoying some decadent pastry to fulfill some need... No, my impulse to indulge is to ignore the food that I am eating while eating lots of it.
In my head, when I am exasperated with steaming some exotic zucchini with fresh garlic, I think "I just want to eat like a human being." What I mean by that is, ORDER something fabulous, in portions for four, and eat until I am done with TV for the night.
I know that is not how human beings eat, but it's how I like to eat. This will be my demon to exorcise.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
On Brie
I do not want to make this blog into a "how did I binge this week" chronicle... but yesterday. Oy.
I had to stay home in order to get the internet set up, the bookshelves delivered etc. By 10am, it was clear that my healthy lifestyle eating that I have been practicing is 90% a function of the lack of food options at the office, now that I was home, it was over.
Some of my behaviors are so perverse. I like to eat when no one is around. I don't like to leave evidence. It's bizarre. I went out to buy more blueberries and a block of brie, to binge on both (what??) - and then threw out the packaging in a separate container so my husband wouldn't see. Yeesh.
My binges are deliberate, and feel inevitable. The question is: with time and a new attitude towards dieting/life-eating, will these go away? Will they become less frequent? Should I avoid being home alone in order to make this a non-issue?
I had to stay home in order to get the internet set up, the bookshelves delivered etc. By 10am, it was clear that my healthy lifestyle eating that I have been practicing is 90% a function of the lack of food options at the office, now that I was home, it was over.
Some of my behaviors are so perverse. I like to eat when no one is around. I don't like to leave evidence. It's bizarre. I went out to buy more blueberries and a block of brie, to binge on both (what??) - and then threw out the packaging in a separate container so my husband wouldn't see. Yeesh.
My binges are deliberate, and feel inevitable. The question is: with time and a new attitude towards dieting/life-eating, will these go away? Will they become less frequent? Should I avoid being home alone in order to make this a non-issue?
Monday, July 5, 2010
First Home Cooked Meal
We moved this week (and I missed posting last week). Actually, I should say that we are in the process of moving because the apartment is FULL of unpacked boxes.
Moving is always exciting and unsettling. And it effects the body - I feel exhausted by the end of the day, and famished in the afternoons. During our transition, my husband and I threw healthy eating out the window. We were staying at my parents for a few days and I somehow reverted to my teenage self, eating gobs of cheese and crackers when everyone else was sleeping and enjoying copious leftovers. We were relieved to get into our new place and get back to business.
Last night the kitchen was set up enough to cook. A stir fry without soy sauce, brown rice without spices etc, so it wasn't the best. But it was nice to finally cook in the new place, make it feel like home instead of a disaster area. My husband and I - spending every waking hour with each other since we moved out to get our lives in order - ate and then watched an old movie on the computer. It was the best night we've had in our new city.
Moving is always exciting and unsettling. And it effects the body - I feel exhausted by the end of the day, and famished in the afternoons. During our transition, my husband and I threw healthy eating out the window. We were staying at my parents for a few days and I somehow reverted to my teenage self, eating gobs of cheese and crackers when everyone else was sleeping and enjoying copious leftovers. We were relieved to get into our new place and get back to business.
Last night the kitchen was set up enough to cook. A stir fry without soy sauce, brown rice without spices etc, so it wasn't the best. But it was nice to finally cook in the new place, make it feel like home instead of a disaster area. My husband and I - spending every waking hour with each other since we moved out to get our lives in order - ate and then watched an old movie on the computer. It was the best night we've had in our new city.
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