Lunch

Ah, sweet bliss.  Our long run this week was 8 miles.  I won't think about the 18 miler coming up.

I have been thinking a lot about lunch this week.  I try to take lunch to work on most days, which invariably means a couple of fruit, a PB and honey sandwich (or two) and/or a Dr Praeger's sandwich.  It is a fair amount of points, but it somehow always seems sad.  I find it hard to pack veges other than carrots, and so lunch is full of healthy but somewhat dense food.

This is important, because lunch is where my day goes nuts.  I like oatmeal for breakfast - in fact, I can happily choose it over some decadent breakfast sandwich.  But lunch... I could eat two full lunches and then get a bag of chips (the family sized bag).  It is a joy to keep eating, especially when the alternative is work!  And especially when I have to work while I eat!

So it is important to me to have plenty of good, and good sized foods.  I haven't totally figured it out, but I am working on it.  Everything relies on a good lunch...

Off the horse

Ugh.
I ate mindlessly this week - foods that I don't particularly love, at times that I wasn't hungry, while I was alone.

This is not my plan. 

By being loosey goosey with Weight Watchers, I am trying to get the emphasis off of weight loss and strict counting.  For a couple of months, that worked.  I lost some weight, maintained it, and it didn't seem too hard.  But in order for this to work, I have to eat real food, in reasonable quantities, with occasional treats.

That's not what I have been doing lately.  I am back to ordering two lunches, two dinners, for myself.  For no good reason.  I don't even enjoy the food!! 

Today is the first time that I really did not want to post.  I have gained weight, but more importantly I am drifting in bad habits and mindlessness.  I guess for the first time I am also realizing the purpose of writing a blog that no one reads - writing this out forces me to think about why and how I stopped thinking.  Are there foods that I want to eat?  Can I just incorporate them into a mindful diet?

Let's see how this goes.  My goal this week is to eat purposely - not in a zombie daze.  If I can do it, great... if not, I looked up WW meetings in my area.  I may need more structure.

sigh.

Stagnant

I can't seem to get myself going - at work, at the gym, in the kitchen.  After a good run this summer (I was so productive, eating healthy), I am just kind of skidding through the past couple of weeks.

The good news is that the marathon training continues.  The long runs are getting long - I mean really long.  And this past Sunday I had my first "walk to the finish" because I just couldn't get myself to jog the final half mile or so.  But the important thing is that I got the mileage in.  That is my most important goal.

But I have to admit, everything else is just stagnating.  Pilates, other classes aren't happening as much.  I even have trouble getting myself into the gym some mornings.  Things are only going to get harder once the semester starts again.

I have been very happy with how I look.  I was thinking about how lucky I am to have a wonderful husband and a healthy body... and good clothes.  Why am I continuing to try to lose weight??  But the unhappy answer to that question is that if I am not trying to lose weight, I am actually slowly gaining weight.  It is a sad statement on where I am with food that I cannot maintain - it is a constant struggle for me to NOT eat in a completely insane way.  Everyday, I want to pack away two or three normal-sized lunches, by myself, before dinner.  I have to fight to eat one normal lunch, let alone a healthy, low-calorie lunch.

So that is the struggle.  Forget a low calorie sandwich-and-a-fruit lunch - I am just trying to eat one COSI sandwich rather than the whole menu at one time.  Most of the time I win this fight.  Sometimes I lose. 

Hence, stagnation!

pizza

Actually, this post is about a 20k race that we ran this weekend.  The pizza came after...

We decided to run a race for this training run - the schedule said "12 miles" for this weekend, and there was a 20k (12.4 miles) about an hour away.  Running in a race is fabulous - there are water stops, other runners and it makes it feel like you are doing something right now rather than in advance of the marathon.

The downside of running in the this kind of race is my urge not to lope in the back.  The difference between running 11 minute miles and 12 minute miles in a smallish race is pretty big.  With the former, you are running with others, albeit just a few others.  With the slower pace, you are running alone, trying to get to the finish line where the other 1,000 people are stretching. 

So I ran the 11 minute miles, which felt ok until about mile 10.  I guess this makes sense, since last week's endurance run was... 10 miles.  At 10 miles, you are close but not home to the finish line of a 20k.  I don't think I can train for an 11 minute mile marathon.

Anyway, all of this is to say that it was a great race.  We both finished strong, and now have a couple of days off before we start dreading the next 14 mile training run.

And for dinner, we went out for pizza.  We split a 12-inch, and I was pouring on the parm.  Have I mentioned that I love cheese?

Working

Ach.  Too many days where I am eating on a mission. 

My weeks have been very busy, work wise.  And I have reverted to bad habits: on the days when I know I must be very productive, I buy whatever food I want in large quantities to "help" me get through.  It's a strange reward/palliative to get done what I need to get done.  On the plus side, I got it done.  But I reconfirmed terrible habits and derailed some of my progress.

I am also training for the marathon.  I have very mixed feelings about this, since I truly dislike running.  Yesterday's 10 miles was ok - the run itself went well, I went nice and slow and listened to the iPod.  But it also reminded me how much more I have left, what kind of mileage is necessary to get to the marathon in good enough shape.

Eh, so I am ambivalent.  But I am writing.  I will keep writing, keep trying.

Mind-full eating

I have been reading a lot about conscious eating, paying attention to what you put into your mouth.  Knowing where it comes from, what is processed, putting effort into preparation, and then finally enjoying - in real time - the payoff that comes from good, natural, healthy food.

Along with such enlightened thinking comes the corollary about unhealthy, processed food: enjoy it mindfully and rarely.  Sure, you can have pizza - just not too often and you should SAVOR it and appreciate the lifestyle that "allows" pizza in reasonable doses.

All of this makes sense to me, but it ignores what I really want when I am on a tear; what I am looking for psychologically as well as physically. 

Here is the truth: I love mindless eating.  It is my favorite type of eating.  When you have lots of melted cheese and garlic, and know that there is another meal to be eaten whenever whatever.  While watching TV or reading a magazine.  Or doing both at the same time.  The full bowl so my hand doesnt have to search for whatever is in there while I am typing an email. 

When I hear that I need to incorporate foods that I love into my healthy lifestyle (from my husband, for example), I don't bother trying to explain that I don't really want to eat two slices of pizza.  Who cares about pizza - I KNOW that it's not so yummy.  Why bother explaining that I crave carrying a box with a whole pizza pie into the kitchen, setting up the computer, watching Law and Order, and eating whatever I want.  Sometimes the whole pie, sometimes 2 slices, it doesn't matter... I want to mindlessly buy and consume large quantities of food - "whatever" food, not gourmet food.

I believe this will be my demon.  I can get into the foodie lifestyle - hell, we went to TWO farmers markets this weekend, and bought up a storm.  But my impulse to indulge doesn't follow foodie mores - slowly enjoying some decadent pastry to fulfill some need... No, my impulse to indulge is to ignore the food that I am eating while eating lots of it. 

In my head, when I am exasperated with steaming some exotic zucchini with fresh garlic, I think "I just want to eat like a human being."   What I mean by that is, ORDER something fabulous, in portions for four, and eat until I am done with TV for the night.

I know that is not how human beings eat, but it's how I like to eat.  This will be my demon to exorcise.

On Brie

I do not want to make this blog into a "how did I binge this week" chronicle... but yesterday.  Oy.

I had to stay home in order to get the internet set up, the bookshelves delivered etc.  By 10am, it was clear that my healthy lifestyle eating that I have been practicing is 90% a function of the lack of food options at the office, now that I was home, it was over.

Some of my behaviors are so perverse.  I like to eat when no one is around.  I don't like to leave evidence.  It's bizarre. I went out to buy more blueberries and a block of brie, to binge on both (what??) - and then threw out the packaging in a separate container so my husband wouldn't see.  Yeesh. 

My binges are deliberate, and feel inevitable.  The question is: with time and a new attitude towards dieting/life-eating, will these go away?  Will they become less frequent?  Should I avoid being home alone in order to make this a non-issue?

First Home Cooked Meal

We moved this week (and I missed posting last week).  Actually, I should say that we are in the process of moving because the apartment is FULL of unpacked boxes.

Moving is always exciting and unsettling.  And it effects the body - I feel exhausted by the end of the day, and famished in the afternoons.  During our transition, my husband and I threw healthy eating out the window.  We were staying at my parents for a few days and I somehow reverted to my teenage self, eating gobs of cheese and crackers when everyone else was sleeping and enjoying copious leftovers.  We were relieved to get into our new place and get back to business.

Last night the kitchen was set up enough to cook.  A stir fry without soy sauce, brown rice without spices etc, so it wasn't the best.  But it was nice to finally cook in the new place, make it feel like home instead of a disaster area.  My husband and I - spending every waking hour with each other since we moved out to get our lives in order - ate and then watched an old movie on the computer.  It was the best night we've had in our new city.

Cheater, cheater, Pumpkin eater

My Bubby used to say that to me when I would cheat at cards, or Monopoly, or Risk etc. Then she would let me get away with it...

I cheat on Weight Watchers. Or, more accurately, I am creating my own eating plan. Why? WW worked three times in the past - I lost about twenty pounds in 12 weeks each time. Why would I mess with the success?

The answer is that these diets were not truly successful. Exhibit one: I always gained the weight back (doh!). Exhibit two: I was HUNGRY. I couldn't wait for the diet to end. I was hungry and obsessed with my points and food and plans.

Here's the thing: 21 points is bullsh*t. A typical "on plan" day for me involved slowly eating a two-three point breakfast (3)... waiting, anticipating a mid-morning fruit (4)... worshiping a pathetic three-four point hummus or PB sandwich and another fruit (9)... watching the clock until I could eat my 1pm snack (11)... at this point my work day was effectively over because I was weak from hunger... 3pm cheese stick! (12)... 4pm FiberOne bar and snap peas/carrots (14)... 6pm "volume food" (think - a whole head of steamed cauliflower) (15)... chicken breast and salad for dinner (19)... popcorn/strawberries/2 squares of dark chocolate (21)...

Variations include 3-5 fruit/vege based points for my "goodies" and generally worked out about 45 minutes 5-6 days a week.

I think that WW would consider this a perfect day. Looking back, I can't quite figure out why I this wasn't workable for me. The one thing I know for sure was that this was crap. Total crap. I couldn't wait for the hours to go by - I wanted my days to finish faster because I was so hungry and obsessed. When I was hungry, I would eat a one-point snack - because there was NO leeway with 21 points - and then try to go for a short walk. I remember once walking home from work, dizzy and despairing because I only had 5 points left to my day.

On more than one occasion I took two NyQuil in order to induce an early sleep - so that I wouldn't eat.

Again, I don't know why 21 points works for others of my height and weight, while its a non-starter with me. It doesn't matter - it is time to study the data and make predictions about the future: if I stick with 21 points (even including the 35 weekly point allowance - yes, I ate those!), I will ultimately fail. Maybe it will be "great" for 12 weeks, maybe I can sleepwalk my way back to the 140s, or 130s... but it will never hold.

So, this time, I am a cheater cheater pumpkin eater.

Here is how I cheat. First, my base is 25-30 points a day. Plus my 35 weekly points. As my husband said, my problem is not the difference between a 30 point day. It's that I can frequently polish off 40-50 point days without a thought. So I now have somewhere between 25 and 30 points a day.

That's not all. NUTS DON'T COUNT. Huh? Nuts don't count. I eat a handful of almonds or pecans everyday, and I would estimate that should be about 4 points. I don't count them. Here's why: I would never, ever, ever never eat nuts if I counted them. My mind-body connection is not nearly sophisticated enough to be satisfied from 20 almonds. But nuts are so healthy, and satisfy something else in me - the need for non-refrigerated readily available finger food. I eat them standing up, in front of the computer, while I'm on the phone, the same way I would otherwise be eating potato chips or other crap.

Finally, I am not precise when it comes to dinner. We eat at home about 75% of the time. I cook healthily. Most meals I make are between 12-25 points in TOTAL. Maybe I eat half, maybe I don't. I generally leave myself 8 points for dinner, and let the pieces fall as they are.

Bottom line, I am probably adding an average of 10-14 points a day to my suggested Weight Watchers total. I feel like a human being - appropriately hungry and limited without the obsession and need to "get through" the week. I suspect that at some point the weight loss will stop, but until that happens...

I am a cheater. I cheat on my diet. It's how I would like to live my life.

The high hanging fruit

This is not my first time trying to lose weight. I have followed Atkins, and various low calorie diets since I was about 17. How many times have I joined Weight Watchers?

I'd say about once every two years, I go on a serious diet. In general, I lose about twenty pounds. Then I gain it all back. The best "diet" for me seems to be Weight Watchers, where I am strong for about 12 weeks. In fact, that is my record: 12 weeks.

As anyone who has followed WW (or any other reasonable health plan), you can't un-know what you know. Points values are seared into my soul, even when I am on a food tear, eating crappy food in the car on the way home from work to tide me over for dinner.

On one hand, that makes life easier now that I am trying to live a healthy life again. I have been through the routine before, I know the points, I know the score. But I think the downsides loom larger: first, I have the huge emotional obstacle of wondering why this time will be any different than other attempts. Second, I have grabbed the low hanging fruit, the "easy" substitutes and tips to incorporate in my life. I don't drink (much) soda - and NEVER non diet. I only buy whole wheat bread... and lots of fruits and veges... and drink 12 cups of water a day... (and eat too much, by the way)

I also work out ("move more"). Every day, or almost every day, cardio, conditioning, yoga. I've gone through the highs and lows of training for and finishing marathons and triathlons.

Great, right? Except that this means I have no tricks left up my sleeve - no 12-week successes because the weight won't come off quickly. The trick I must master this time is perseverance, consistency, patience. This is LIFE, not a summer weight loss experiment. It's a change in mind set that every successful weight loss tale begins with - "I realized that this wasn't a diet, but a new way of living." I am not there yet.

That's the reason the blog is named "high hanging fruit." I am reaching for the no-gimmick, real deal, life-changing healthy living plan. My goal is TIME, so I will view every weekly entry on this blog as the victory.

No more tricks. No more starving afternoons to hoard points for dinner. This is life, and I am searching for what works.

I hope I am still posting in 13 weeks. That's my first step.

Two workouts

I have a hate-hate relationship with running. I have done the training/race schedules for all sorts of distances. I have endured countless three mile maintenance runs. I have been faster and I have been slow (mostly slow).

I hate running. I dread it in the morning. I hate it while it is happening. And when it is finished, I start anticipating the next run.

People talk about runner's high, but I have never ever felt it. The closest I have come to a runner's high is "Ok, this is not so bad..."

Last night, my husband wanted to go for a run. It's been hot and humid for a bunch of days, and the weather suddenly got wonderful - a perfect pre-dinner cardio opportunity. After a few steps of jogging, I just stopped and walked instead. This has been happening a lot.

Over the next hour, I walked about four miles. And berated myself the whole time. This isn't cardio! This isn't really going to get you skinny!

That was one workout.

Today, I went to my favorite class with Natalie. She is a fabulous instructor and class is so unique. It is a standing cardio class with some dance, aerobics and lots of plies/squats. It is a tough hour.

Sometime in the middle of class, I felt my abs and soaz and hip flexors connecting. I have never felt that before. I always hear that these are connected in pilates classes, but I never felt it. It completely changed the class, and I feel great.

That was two workouts.

I like how I felt after the second workout - instead of fighting myself and my body with the running, I should be challenging and strengthening myself. I am contemplating taking a full break from running. What if I just stop? So what if I don't run the races?

Whoa. Wake up call!

Today we had a comedy of errors. I had been traveling for work over the past couple of weeks, and when I took a look at my calendar this morning I realized I hadn't updated my monthly birth control... for three weeks.

I checked again, and immediately went into CRAP mode. We weren't planning on having a kid for another year! I hadn't lost my pre-baby weight yet.

In any case, after scaring my husband at work, and googling "pregnancy" and other shenanigans, I discovered that I was looking at the wrong month. No worries. (that's what I texted my husband)

That same afternoon, I am starting my blog. I had intended to start a weight loss blog in any case, for fun and accountability... but the pregnancy scare makes it a little more urgent and fun. There is no better time than NOW to build habits that won't ruin my health or my kid-to-be's.

I like my old habits... but I am like health and vanity more. Here goes.